Video of The Month

What's that you say? Don Imus is played out? Feminists are gross? Well that may be true dear reader, but this video is neither played out or gross. Actually, maybe you'll think it's a little gross, but anytime Patrice O'Neal debates a feminist on Fox News and he describes a donkey punch and it isn't even the highlight of the video, well, that's the Video of The Month for May 2007.

Nick Carter Saves the Dolphins

In a shocking move, the United Nations recently gave tween heartthrob Nick Carter the title of special ambassador of the Year of the Dolphin. What exactly is the Year of the Dolphin campaign? It is a campaign designed to raise awareness of dolphins and the numerous “threats” they face on a daily basis. Nick Carter plans to contribute to the campaign by making a special song and music video for the dolphins, and insider information tells me that the new song will be named “Dolphins Have Feelings Too.” He also plans to come to schools across the country to talk about dolphins, and you know what that means: Nick Carter may be coming to Pennsbury soon (fingers crossed).

I don’t think all of this is enough though. His actions will no doubt inspire millions (if not billions) of kids across the globe, but he also needs to work with the dolphins themselves. Maybe by teaching them dance moves, they can attract attention from careless boat drivers and save themselves from being hit by boats. And by giving them singing lessons, Nick can teach them how to soothe the vicious minds of poachers through the power of songs. Finally, by letting some dolphins live in the House of Carters for awhile, he can teach them the power of love. The sky’s the limit.

I also expect that several other boy bands will be joining Nick in his never-ending struggle for animals. Any day now, JC Chasez will probably start campaigning for the Saiga Antelope, and I expect Nick’s little brother Aaron to start campaigning for the Aquatic Warbler. Soon, we’ll have pop stars across America adopting endangered animals and moving to Africa to be closer to the animals they love so much. I’m just waiting for the day they start making reality TV shows in which the pop star and a whole group of baby seals have to live in the Big Brother house. Until then, congratulations Nick.

The Walrus

Canada Strikes Back

All right, so when you think of Canada, what comes to mind first? Hockey, bland personalities, cold weather, Keanu Reeves, and the way they say “eh?” after over half of all sentences. But now, new words can be added to the gross generalizations made towards Canada: terrorism, al Qaeda, and Guantanamo Bay.

Five years ago, Canadian-born Omar Khadr was captured in Afghanistan after being wounded in a firefight, and was shipped off to Gitmo, Cuba. Word on the street says that he killed two American soldiers after receiving a months’ worth of training from al-Qaeda. Now, back in the present, he’s being charged with murder, terrorism, etc.

The main point here is that Canada’s gone crazy. Long known as the quiet and peaceful birthplace of Howie Mandel, Canada has turned into America’s number one enemy, as exampled by Omar Khadr. My opinion is that Canada got tired of playing the Ashlee Simpson to America’s more glamorous and successful Jessica Simpson, and so they began to hold a grudge. They waited until America wasn’t looking, and then Canada started sending fanatics over to Afghanistan to do war against America. It’s even possible that many of the insurgents in Iraq are actually just Canadians in disguise. Either way, it’s obvious that Canada is slowly trying to kill us Americans off.

So what should America do about the developing Canadian Problem? I see only one option: a full-blown invasion. First, we can set up military bases in Maine, upstate New York, Wisconsin, Montana, and Washington. Then, during a time of Canadian celebration (such as Boxing Day), we attack with fury, taking out every hockey rink and Steve Nash statue until we’re sure that the threat is gone. Boxing Day is only 8 months away, so I encourage all Americans to pump themselves up for the sweetest invasion ever. I leave you with a battle drawing that will insure victory. Keanu Reeves won’t see it coming.

-The Walrus

A Whole New Spin On Gun Control

If you were to randomly assemble a list of the top 5 political issues right now, it might look something like this:

1. War In Iraq
2. VT Shootings
   
3. 2008 Election
4. Alberto Gonzales
5. Sanjaya?

Anyway, the point I'm making here is thus: I have discovered something amazing, which is vaguely related to gun control and I need an excuse to share it with y'all. So yeah, all 5 of these issues involve gun-control (I swear). Argments over the issue always come back to the 2nd amendment: The right to bear arms. Boooring. If only there was some new spin on this. But who could provide it??

A-ha! Gordon R. Dickson, a 20th century science fiction author from Canada! Of course! In December 2000, he published a work that is a radical new view on what gun control (or lack thereof) could be. Unfortunately, he died in 2001 so The Newsernet was not able to secure an interview in time for this post. Nevertheless, I believe the point speaks for itself.

I now present the greatest thing ever.








That is all.

-Jam Cam

Woe is Me (and IRC)

Almost everyone uses some form of instant messaging. The much more popular nephew of email, instant messaging (IM; IMing) is ridiculously popular. Since there is such a demand for the service, a wealth of clients have appeared to fufill every niche that one could want. MSN, AIM, ICQ, Yahoo and even Google Talk all walk around with their "I own the minds of the 12-25 demographic" baseball caps as they strut their various features - video messaging, talk features, phone calls, spyware, ads and space-based lasers. But we as a disposable culture (sorry, cliche') a quick to forget the more humble beginnings of instant messaging - a creature called IRC. Look it up on wikipedia - I'm not a history book. Bottom line is, this arcaic medium is still used, primarily on a mass-communication scale (lots of people talking to lots of people), for people who want to talk to strangers, and for dedicated channels of help for a website or computer-related dilemma. So I figured, hey, lets try it out. I have nothing better to do, right? I boot up Miranda, and sign on IRC with the handle (think screen-name) of JoeNobody (IRC allows for the quick changing of screen-names). So I wait a bit, and before I even open a window...

Boop. Woah? A new message? Someone standing at the gates to welcome me to the paradise of IRC, as St. Peter guards the gate to enter heaven?

12:40:31 PM: hy pls join #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex Cel mai tare canal de sex!!Aici poate vei gasi ceeace cauti!Daca iti place canalul te rog nu uita sa il bagi la favorit si autojoin..thanks }{}{}{}{

Damn.

Quick Quip

Video Of The Month

So a drunk driver kills a child. This drunk driver was an illegal immigrant. Geraldo is discussing this with Bill O'Reilly and both of their heads explode. Newsernet's video of the month for April 2007.

No More Mr. Nice Guy... Oh Wait, Nevermind

No, no, no! This is all wrong! Mahmoud! You're not supposed to just let them go! Don't you know anything about how to be a crazy ruler of a country in the axis-of-evil? Would Kim-Jong have just given up those sailors? You don't just capture some random British sailors for nothing. Let's review.

• March 23rd - 15 British sailors are doing a routine patrol on the HMS Cornwall, a name so British, only the British could come up with it. The Iranians seize them, claiming they were in Iranian waters.
• Hilarity ensues.
• The whole world says they were in Iraqi waters and smart people agree.
  
• Iran responds, "Ummm, no."
  
• Iran takes some tapes of the prisoners and maybe violates the Geneva conventions. Nothing new here.
  
• The whole world gets a little more pissed off.
• Iran nukes London.
• Or not. They just give them back with a box of Peeps as an Easter present.
• Lame.
  

So all in all a disappointing crisis.
Crisis Scale Rating (0-10)
4

-Jam Cam

It's time to catch up with the present people!

So I don't know if you've heard, but there's this new movie out, that's getting a lot of crap from different sides. Now usually, I'm all for bashing something if it sucks, however the problem here is that this movie doesn't suck at all. In fact, this movie's opening weekend gross rated it third highest rated R movie EVER. This movie is non-other than 300 of course.

300 is a movie that's based off the comic book (or for those that speak the lingo, graphic novel) that shares the same name by Frank Miller. This story recounts the famous Battle of Thermopylae that took place during the Greco-Persian wars. While 300 doesn't stick completely to the story, it still follows the same basic concept that 300 Spartans along with about 700 Thespians (the Greeks, not a bunch of actors spouting Shakespear at the Persians) fought against an invading Persian army. Now the number of the Persians jumps from anywhere between 250,000 to 1,000,000 because huge numbers like that weren't around then, so there was no real way of getting an acurate count of the Persians. Anyways, we all know how this small Greek force stood against the Persians for three days until a traitor Greek led the Persians to a mountain pass that led behind the Greeks, making their phalanx (look it up) tactic pretty useless.

The movie is pretty sweet, if I say so myself. I mean, who doesn't like seeing hordes of guys just getting ripped apart by barely clothed dudes with spears? And if you saw the movie you know, that if a movie can get an entire audience completely fired up to the point of yelling battle cries during the movie, then it must be a pretty darn good movie. So why is it getting yelled at by everyone?

Well critics don't like it because of the fact that most of the scenery and many of the people are done through computer animation. But honestly, this is the jump into the new era of movies that we've all been waiting for. It's like when Star Wars took the chance at being a story with good guys as good guys, at a time when the movie world was dominated by movies that made the bad men into the main characters. Through this computer animation, I saw landscapes and battles that were completely amazing, and that made me love the movie even more. I don't see a reason why film critics can't get it into their heads that this is the way movies should be made now, especially because they can be made at lower costs for higher profit, and that's is a good thing people.

And another thing, I keep reading how Iranians (the current day Persians) are getting all pissed off because of how the Persians are depicted in the movie. Listen, these aren't really how they looked, obviously. Many of the character models were taken from a COMIC BOOK. I mean you don't see people getting pissed off when they read a Hulk comic because that's not what real Americans look like when they're mad. I read something where someone made the comment "Well Xerces' grandfather passed the first human rights bill". Well that's super, but this story is about Xerces, and frankly during the movie I couldn't care less if his grandfather had been the one to think of the English language. And also stop saying that the movie over-exagerates. The Persians lost, GET OVER IT.

So all in all, if I was you, and you were debating whether to see 300, debate no longer. The movie is worth it, and I garantee that afterwards you will want nothing more than to pick up a spear and start killing things. But please, don't go killing things.


Storm Tracker 3000

4 Years? Well, Time Flies When You're Havin' Fun.

There's been a lot of hullabaloo (you're damn right I spelled that correctly) lately about the 4-year anniversary of the War in Iraq, which happened to be today. "Nation Decries 4 year-old fight", "War Protests at 4-year Mark", "Thousands Protest as War Enters 5th Year". Even freakin' Al-Jazeera got into the act. But I will not stand for this massacre of March 18th by a bunch of hippie-liberal-leftwing-FoxNewshatin'-Colbertloving pricks. March 18th is a great day, and personally, I was happy celebrating some other, much more relevant, anniversaries.

Take Hawaii for example. In '59, Dwight Eisenhower signed a bill giving it statehood on March 18th. Why aren't we celebrating that instead of moping about some war that may or may not have destroyed a nation (or two)? Hawaii has given us a place to have the Pro Bowl (finally!), an amazing vacation spot & countless spectacular TV Specials. So thank you very much, but I'll spend my March 18ths with an umbrella in my Cherry Coke Zero instead of protesting the Pentagon.

And some other crazy stuff happened too. Like my third-favorite credit-card company, American Express, being founded. And the first Bat Mitzvah. And Queen Latifah was born (sweet!). And Dane Cook (damn!). Oh, and, apparently, the world was created. So suck on that liberals.

Jam Cam

Book Review: What's the Matter With Kansas?

One of a never-ending series of reviews, critiques and general complaints and raves about stuff like books and movies and whatever.

What is the matter with Kansas, you say?

In this impressive book, Thomas Frank recounts both the recent economic and political history of middle America (specifically, Kansas, his home state) as well as the various forces that created the almost backwards shift of the state from liberal to extremely conservative. He includes tales of his childhood dreams of entering the conservative elite, and explains the "backlash" of today's political culture that ends up pitting the working man against himself. It really is a sweet read. Although there isn't any espionage or explosions, if you have an attention span enough to read this post I'd imagine you could read deep enough into this book to be hooked. Whether you are a democrat, republican or straight-up libertarian, it makes a very entertaining and hopefully enlightening read. ****/*****

Quick Quip

Boy, that's a kick in the nuts...

So it would seem that after decades of horrific battle, the loser of the "my penis is bigger than your penis" war has been found. Now you're probably wondering who it was that took the fall for the rest of the world. Well let's break this down shall we? It's deffinately not us, or the rest of the Americas (I bet you thought it was the Canadians...), it ain't Europe, or Africans, or Asians (well most Asians). Now you're probably looking at that last remark and thinking "A CLUE!". Well your powers of observation seem to serve you well enough so that you can see what I laid out in front of you on a shiny plate. So let's think of some Asians here. You could think North Korea and reason that that's why they're always pissed off about something. You could think China and so they over-compensate by having 1/6 of the world's population. Or you could think Japan and that's why they got so into their video games and tech gadgets. So which one will it be?

Answer, neither of those countries is the right one. In actuality, it was India, that other country with 1/6 the world's population. Now you're probably thinking to yourself "wait a second, how did they find this out in the first place?". Well I'll tell you, little one. Apparently after they recieved their 1 billionth phone call from dudes complaining that their condoms fell off while they were in the middle of sex, India decided to look into it further. They got together a little group of 1,000 men, of all different characteristics (such as whether they were urban or rural, their caste, all different things) and they pretty much just measured their penises up to the millimeter. I don't know about other guys, but I would feel just a little uncomfortable if someone was staring that hard at me, trying to decipher the exactly exact to the extreme size of my penis.

Anyways, they found that the majority of condoms made to the international size were too large for most Indian men, and that's why they kept falling off. So now there are special smaller condoms being made for India, and with a country with as high an HIV transmition rate as India, it is actually important for them to get these things addressed and taken care of quickly. And also, I think that India just went out with a big laugh at the rest of the world, because even though they have the smallest penises, they certainly have the biggest balls for announcing this to the entire world. Touche India...


Storm Tracker 3000

Video games. Headshot.

So then I was like, "bddat! psheeeew! blatt!" and the other dudes all like "nuh-uh" and I'm all like "yuh-huh" and hes all like "headshot suckazzzz" and I go "you got nothing, n00blet" and he goes....

Shut up. Please.

Though the average discussion of video games, video gaming and how large your World of Warcraft characters nads are tends to rarely evolve past the above state of conversation, the video game industry continues to raise impressive profits and turn more kids into headshot-dealing sociopaths. Why is this, you inquire? Well, we aren't there yet. I still havent mentioned how awesome the Wii is. It is really cool. I mean you move the stick thing all like "scheeew" and the guy goes.... I apologize. It must be contagious. Nonetheless, let us analyze why we love using death-rays against aliens and jumping on the heads of mushrooms.

Theory #1: Life sucks. Video games are fun.
Video games offer a way to escape the usually sucky world of real life. No need to do homework, pay insurance or fix the toilet in poke world. This may be way people who have sucked away so many hours of their life playing video games are shocked to realize when they go outside that they are failing their classes, have had their car stolen and there is a lot of... something... in the toilet.

Theory #2: Video Games are addictive.
Perhaps there is something about them, besides the whole "OH SNAP I JUST CAPPED YO MAMA" factor. Perhaps a sound very low on the hertz scale, or a certain microwave emission from your Xbox 360 that reminds you, "You haven't played counterstrike in a while, have you Johnny?" Naturally, the voice would be a seductive feminine voice, since we all know only guys play video games.

Theory #3: Making up for lacking somewhere else.
Are you asking for a challenge? I think not. Because I will destroy you. Any game. Name the place. Name the time. You can even pick the level. But I'll face-crush you in any video game. No, I don't have any friends, or a job or even a scrap of a social life. But you bring your turbo controller, and I'll bring my multi-tap, and we'll see who the real man is.

Quick Quip

Newsernet, ONLINE!

So here it is, at long last, after much ado, blah blah blah, the official Newsernet! The only place to find up to date commentaries, opinions, headlines, and the occasional communist writings. Less up to date that Wikinews, slower than Google News, and way less interesting than the BBC! We here promise to deliver only the best in pure, unadultarated, non-sense. With our expert staff of Quick Quip, Storm Tracker 3000 and Jam Cam you know what to expect.... so I won't tell you (like I said, you should know). So please, reader and liker of fine things, sit back and enjoy this ensemble of fine pieces of humorous and intelligent writings.

Quick Quip
Storm Tracker 3000
Jam Cam
The Walrus