Canada Strikes Back

All right, so when you think of Canada, what comes to mind first? Hockey, bland personalities, cold weather, Keanu Reeves, and the way they say “eh?” after over half of all sentences. But now, new words can be added to the gross generalizations made towards Canada: terrorism, al Qaeda, and Guantanamo Bay.

Five years ago, Canadian-born Omar Khadr was captured in Afghanistan after being wounded in a firefight, and was shipped off to Gitmo, Cuba. Word on the street says that he killed two American soldiers after receiving a months’ worth of training from al-Qaeda. Now, back in the present, he’s being charged with murder, terrorism, etc.

The main point here is that Canada’s gone crazy. Long known as the quiet and peaceful birthplace of Howie Mandel, Canada has turned into America’s number one enemy, as exampled by Omar Khadr. My opinion is that Canada got tired of playing the Ashlee Simpson to America’s more glamorous and successful Jessica Simpson, and so they began to hold a grudge. They waited until America wasn’t looking, and then Canada started sending fanatics over to Afghanistan to do war against America. It’s even possible that many of the insurgents in Iraq are actually just Canadians in disguise. Either way, it’s obvious that Canada is slowly trying to kill us Americans off.

So what should America do about the developing Canadian Problem? I see only one option: a full-blown invasion. First, we can set up military bases in Maine, upstate New York, Wisconsin, Montana, and Washington. Then, during a time of Canadian celebration (such as Boxing Day), we attack with fury, taking out every hockey rink and Steve Nash statue until we’re sure that the threat is gone. Boxing Day is only 8 months away, so I encourage all Americans to pump themselves up for the sweetest invasion ever. I leave you with a battle drawing that will insure victory. Keanu Reeves won’t see it coming.

-The Walrus