Canada Strikes Back

All right, so when you think of Canada, what comes to mind first? Hockey, bland personalities, cold weather, Keanu Reeves, and the way they say “eh?” after over half of all sentences. But now, new words can be added to the gross generalizations made towards Canada: terrorism, al Qaeda, and Guantanamo Bay.

Five years ago, Canadian-born Omar Khadr was captured in Afghanistan after being wounded in a firefight, and was shipped off to Gitmo, Cuba. Word on the street says that he killed two American soldiers after receiving a months’ worth of training from al-Qaeda. Now, back in the present, he’s being charged with murder, terrorism, etc.

The main point here is that Canada’s gone crazy. Long known as the quiet and peaceful birthplace of Howie Mandel, Canada has turned into America’s number one enemy, as exampled by Omar Khadr. My opinion is that Canada got tired of playing the Ashlee Simpson to America’s more glamorous and successful Jessica Simpson, and so they began to hold a grudge. They waited until America wasn’t looking, and then Canada started sending fanatics over to Afghanistan to do war against America. It’s even possible that many of the insurgents in Iraq are actually just Canadians in disguise. Either way, it’s obvious that Canada is slowly trying to kill us Americans off.

So what should America do about the developing Canadian Problem? I see only one option: a full-blown invasion. First, we can set up military bases in Maine, upstate New York, Wisconsin, Montana, and Washington. Then, during a time of Canadian celebration (such as Boxing Day), we attack with fury, taking out every hockey rink and Steve Nash statue until we’re sure that the threat is gone. Boxing Day is only 8 months away, so I encourage all Americans to pump themselves up for the sweetest invasion ever. I leave you with a battle drawing that will insure victory. Keanu Reeves won’t see it coming.

-The Walrus

A Whole New Spin On Gun Control

If you were to randomly assemble a list of the top 5 political issues right now, it might look something like this:

1. War In Iraq
2. VT Shootings
   
3. 2008 Election
4. Alberto Gonzales
5. Sanjaya?

Anyway, the point I'm making here is thus: I have discovered something amazing, which is vaguely related to gun control and I need an excuse to share it with y'all. So yeah, all 5 of these issues involve gun-control (I swear). Argments over the issue always come back to the 2nd amendment: The right to bear arms. Boooring. If only there was some new spin on this. But who could provide it??

A-ha! Gordon R. Dickson, a 20th century science fiction author from Canada! Of course! In December 2000, he published a work that is a radical new view on what gun control (or lack thereof) could be. Unfortunately, he died in 2001 so The Newsernet was not able to secure an interview in time for this post. Nevertheless, I believe the point speaks for itself.

I now present the greatest thing ever.








That is all.

-Jam Cam

Woe is Me (and IRC)

Almost everyone uses some form of instant messaging. The much more popular nephew of email, instant messaging (IM; IMing) is ridiculously popular. Since there is such a demand for the service, a wealth of clients have appeared to fufill every niche that one could want. MSN, AIM, ICQ, Yahoo and even Google Talk all walk around with their "I own the minds of the 12-25 demographic" baseball caps as they strut their various features - video messaging, talk features, phone calls, spyware, ads and space-based lasers. But we as a disposable culture (sorry, cliche') a quick to forget the more humble beginnings of instant messaging - a creature called IRC. Look it up on wikipedia - I'm not a history book. Bottom line is, this arcaic medium is still used, primarily on a mass-communication scale (lots of people talking to lots of people), for people who want to talk to strangers, and for dedicated channels of help for a website or computer-related dilemma. So I figured, hey, lets try it out. I have nothing better to do, right? I boot up Miranda, and sign on IRC with the handle (think screen-name) of JoeNobody (IRC allows for the quick changing of screen-names). So I wait a bit, and before I even open a window...

Boop. Woah? A new message? Someone standing at the gates to welcome me to the paradise of IRC, as St. Peter guards the gate to enter heaven?

12:40:31 PM: hy pls join #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex Cel mai tare canal de sex!!Aici poate vei gasi ceeace cauti!Daca iti place canalul te rog nu uita sa il bagi la favorit si autojoin..thanks }{}{}{}{

Damn.

Quick Quip

Video Of The Month

So a drunk driver kills a child. This drunk driver was an illegal immigrant. Geraldo is discussing this with Bill O'Reilly and both of their heads explode. Newsernet's video of the month for April 2007.

No More Mr. Nice Guy... Oh Wait, Nevermind

No, no, no! This is all wrong! Mahmoud! You're not supposed to just let them go! Don't you know anything about how to be a crazy ruler of a country in the axis-of-evil? Would Kim-Jong have just given up those sailors? You don't just capture some random British sailors for nothing. Let's review.

• March 23rd - 15 British sailors are doing a routine patrol on the HMS Cornwall, a name so British, only the British could come up with it. The Iranians seize them, claiming they were in Iranian waters.
• Hilarity ensues.
• The whole world says they were in Iraqi waters and smart people agree.
  
• Iran responds, "Ummm, no."
  
• Iran takes some tapes of the prisoners and maybe violates the Geneva conventions. Nothing new here.
  
• The whole world gets a little more pissed off.
• Iran nukes London.
• Or not. They just give them back with a box of Peeps as an Easter present.
• Lame.
  

So all in all a disappointing crisis.
Crisis Scale Rating (0-10)
4

-Jam Cam