Video of The Month

What's that you say? Don Imus is played out? Feminists are gross? Well that may be true dear reader, but this video is neither played out or gross. Actually, maybe you'll think it's a little gross, but anytime Patrice O'Neal debates a feminist on Fox News and he describes a donkey punch and it isn't even the highlight of the video, well, that's the Video of The Month for May 2007.

Nick Carter Saves the Dolphins

In a shocking move, the United Nations recently gave tween heartthrob Nick Carter the title of special ambassador of the Year of the Dolphin. What exactly is the Year of the Dolphin campaign? It is a campaign designed to raise awareness of dolphins and the numerous “threats” they face on a daily basis. Nick Carter plans to contribute to the campaign by making a special song and music video for the dolphins, and insider information tells me that the new song will be named “Dolphins Have Feelings Too.” He also plans to come to schools across the country to talk about dolphins, and you know what that means: Nick Carter may be coming to Pennsbury soon (fingers crossed).

I don’t think all of this is enough though. His actions will no doubt inspire millions (if not billions) of kids across the globe, but he also needs to work with the dolphins themselves. Maybe by teaching them dance moves, they can attract attention from careless boat drivers and save themselves from being hit by boats. And by giving them singing lessons, Nick can teach them how to soothe the vicious minds of poachers through the power of songs. Finally, by letting some dolphins live in the House of Carters for awhile, he can teach them the power of love. The sky’s the limit.

I also expect that several other boy bands will be joining Nick in his never-ending struggle for animals. Any day now, JC Chasez will probably start campaigning for the Saiga Antelope, and I expect Nick’s little brother Aaron to start campaigning for the Aquatic Warbler. Soon, we’ll have pop stars across America adopting endangered animals and moving to Africa to be closer to the animals they love so much. I’m just waiting for the day they start making reality TV shows in which the pop star and a whole group of baby seals have to live in the Big Brother house. Until then, congratulations Nick.

The Walrus

Canada Strikes Back

All right, so when you think of Canada, what comes to mind first? Hockey, bland personalities, cold weather, Keanu Reeves, and the way they say “eh?” after over half of all sentences. But now, new words can be added to the gross generalizations made towards Canada: terrorism, al Qaeda, and Guantanamo Bay.

Five years ago, Canadian-born Omar Khadr was captured in Afghanistan after being wounded in a firefight, and was shipped off to Gitmo, Cuba. Word on the street says that he killed two American soldiers after receiving a months’ worth of training from al-Qaeda. Now, back in the present, he’s being charged with murder, terrorism, etc.

The main point here is that Canada’s gone crazy. Long known as the quiet and peaceful birthplace of Howie Mandel, Canada has turned into America’s number one enemy, as exampled by Omar Khadr. My opinion is that Canada got tired of playing the Ashlee Simpson to America’s more glamorous and successful Jessica Simpson, and so they began to hold a grudge. They waited until America wasn’t looking, and then Canada started sending fanatics over to Afghanistan to do war against America. It’s even possible that many of the insurgents in Iraq are actually just Canadians in disguise. Either way, it’s obvious that Canada is slowly trying to kill us Americans off.

So what should America do about the developing Canadian Problem? I see only one option: a full-blown invasion. First, we can set up military bases in Maine, upstate New York, Wisconsin, Montana, and Washington. Then, during a time of Canadian celebration (such as Boxing Day), we attack with fury, taking out every hockey rink and Steve Nash statue until we’re sure that the threat is gone. Boxing Day is only 8 months away, so I encourage all Americans to pump themselves up for the sweetest invasion ever. I leave you with a battle drawing that will insure victory. Keanu Reeves won’t see it coming.

-The Walrus

A Whole New Spin On Gun Control

If you were to randomly assemble a list of the top 5 political issues right now, it might look something like this:

1. War In Iraq
2. VT Shootings
   
3. 2008 Election
4. Alberto Gonzales
5. Sanjaya?

Anyway, the point I'm making here is thus: I have discovered something amazing, which is vaguely related to gun control and I need an excuse to share it with y'all. So yeah, all 5 of these issues involve gun-control (I swear). Argments over the issue always come back to the 2nd amendment: The right to bear arms. Boooring. If only there was some new spin on this. But who could provide it??

A-ha! Gordon R. Dickson, a 20th century science fiction author from Canada! Of course! In December 2000, he published a work that is a radical new view on what gun control (or lack thereof) could be. Unfortunately, he died in 2001 so The Newsernet was not able to secure an interview in time for this post. Nevertheless, I believe the point speaks for itself.

I now present the greatest thing ever.








That is all.

-Jam Cam

Woe is Me (and IRC)

Almost everyone uses some form of instant messaging. The much more popular nephew of email, instant messaging (IM; IMing) is ridiculously popular. Since there is such a demand for the service, a wealth of clients have appeared to fufill every niche that one could want. MSN, AIM, ICQ, Yahoo and even Google Talk all walk around with their "I own the minds of the 12-25 demographic" baseball caps as they strut their various features - video messaging, talk features, phone calls, spyware, ads and space-based lasers. But we as a disposable culture (sorry, cliche') a quick to forget the more humble beginnings of instant messaging - a creature called IRC. Look it up on wikipedia - I'm not a history book. Bottom line is, this arcaic medium is still used, primarily on a mass-communication scale (lots of people talking to lots of people), for people who want to talk to strangers, and for dedicated channels of help for a website or computer-related dilemma. So I figured, hey, lets try it out. I have nothing better to do, right? I boot up Miranda, and sign on IRC with the handle (think screen-name) of JoeNobody (IRC allows for the quick changing of screen-names). So I wait a bit, and before I even open a window...

Boop. Woah? A new message? Someone standing at the gates to welcome me to the paradise of IRC, as St. Peter guards the gate to enter heaven?

12:40:31 PM: hy pls join #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex #onlinesex Cel mai tare canal de sex!!Aici poate vei gasi ceeace cauti!Daca iti place canalul te rog nu uita sa il bagi la favorit si autojoin..thanks }{}{}{}{

Damn.

Quick Quip